Becoming What I Want to Be.

8 05 2012

I recently finished reading The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides author of Middlesex. I have to admit that the throughout the book I was depressed– probably because one of the main characters is clinically depressed. I don’t want to give away the ending, but I will say that I saw it coming. It felt like the author had known the ending before he even knew the entire story–which is fine. It does wrap-up nicely. Though I personally don’t like clean endings.

In any event, after reading it and talking to my friend who had suggested it to me, I mentioned how one of the main characters, Mitchell, seemed like he was probably based on the author himself and we talked about how the other character seemed very David Foster Wallace-like. Interestingly enough an article was written on that very idea about DFW, Eugenides, Franzen, and Mary Karr.

How their personal relationships played out is irrelevant to me (yeah, it’s kind of interesting, but not what’s important).

What I found vital from reading this is the concept of community.

Just like how Patti Smith and the like had community.

Just like how Andy Warhol and the like had community.

And so on and so on.

Community is what I’m missing.

I know that it’s here. Or it could be here. We just don’t utilize it. We need to push each other, to compete with each other, to critique each other. Instead of just going out and drinking every Friday night we should get together as a group and share our work. I need people. Smart people. Writer people. Artsy Fartsy people. I’m not getting any younger. I need to WRITE. And not just this blog, like actual stories.

It’s a major dilemma for me. It’s what I want to do, but it’s what I always put off the most. There’s a huge fear of failure, which is ridiciulous. I know I’m going to fail. I’m probably going to fail over and over again, but I’ll never fail at all if I don’t ever write anything. I just need to accept the fact that I will have a collection of really shitty stories. Amongst those, or after those, or at some point, there will be one that is good. At least one.

I need to immerse myself in it, the writing life. I need to do it all the time. Hours and hours of practice. I don’t know how the days go by so quickly or how I end up not spending as much time reading and writing as I’d like to, but all that needs to change. Even if it means less sleep. Less netflix. Less drinking. Less fucking around on facebook. Tis time to get my shit together and start doing what I actually want to do instead of fear-blocking myself.

Now, who wants to join me? We can be the next Breakfast Club of Artists. With, of course, a much better name.





5 Random Thoughts: Books, Sex, Sexy Books.

27 04 2012

1.) Reading a good book makes me want to do better things with my life. I don’t know what it is, if it’s the deep development of characters flaws exposed that helps me feel more connected or the philosophical debates on our relationships with each other/universal purpose/existence etc. but for some reason all I want to do is healthy stuff–workout, eat well, read. Maybe I’m just maturing and it happens to be while I’m reading this particular book. I’ll never know!

2.) All these middle aged women are reading 50 Shades of Grey. I guess there are a lot of different scenes involving sex toys which have brought them in droves to our store. It’s nice in a way because I am selling many more upscale toys. Also, I feel like it could be helping women become more sexually open–at least I hope it is. I put a hold on the book at the library–565 people are before me. By the time I get to it the fad will probably be over.

3.) Kegel balls are all the rage. So I bought this Je Joue set from work. Kegel balls are designed to help strengthen the PC muscles which leads to better orgasms and better urinary control. They’re really good for all women to use, though women who have given birth would probably find them the most beneficial. I figured, it can’t hurt to have a tighter stronger nether region so I’ve decided to to do kegel exercises every day for a month. The set I bought comes with three–a beginner one that’s bigger and lighter, a mid-range one that has two smaller balls and is slightly heavier weighted and then finally a smaller ¬†two baller that’s actually quite heavy for the advanced kegeler. I have yet to try the third one, though I think I can do it just fine consider the other two have not been a problem. I’ll let you all know at the end of next month if I notice any changes.

4.) Well, since sexuality is a major theme in my life I guess I will talk about the boring biology of it for a moment. As a few of you know, I haven’t had my period for months now. I’d just like to inform you all that I’M NOT PREGNANT!!! Nor do I have anything else medically wrong that they could find. My body is just weird. I’ll have to channel it. Or drink some good period-inducing herbal tea. Recommendations are welcome.

5. I mainly am talking about it because I’ve been in a bad mood lately and I can’t shake it. I’m wondering if it might be time. Or close to it. If not, then I blame it on boys. It’s all their fault. And I’m giving them up. Again. I swear. At least for a month while I work on my kegel exercises. And my attitude.