Travel Thoughts: Being More +++

9 02 2013

I think it might be a bit much to expect a vacation to be a transformative experience. It might be a bit much to even think it will be relaxing. How exactly is throwing one’s self into an entirely new environment relaxing? I am not quite sure.

But while attempting just that, lying on the beach at Waikiki, I made a stunning overall analysis about the (united) states of minds.  I am not discounting myself in this equation when I say that the majority of our population is negative.

Negative in thought.

Perhaps it’s because I’m on a tour bus with a bunch of grumpy old people who have to have the temperature always at exactly 71 degrees, but I don’t think it’s that. Because we’re all here to have a good time. And yet some times the “bad,” i.e. judging everything around us, gets in the way of experiencing the good.

I came to this conclusion mostly because everything and everyone was annoying me. Not knowing where to go for happy hour, having to repeat myself over and over because old people can’t hear, sitting on a tour bus with a driver who couldn’t stop talk/singing, feeling rushed when all I wanted to do was watch hot surfer guys be hot surfer guys, etc. etc.

While in these moments I am grumpy. Grumpelstiltskin  I acknowledge that I am grumpy and yet I cannot do anything to snap out of it. The only thing that usually works is “me” time, where I go and get back in my head and analyze what’s going on. IN MY HEAD I am always better at the end of “me” time and I think I can return to humanity, but then I return and grumpfest 2.0 gets sparked almost immediately.

I am completely flawed in this manner.

I want to be one of golly-gee-wee good spirited people who “loves to laugh.” A person who can just brush off the thoughtless ignorance of others, because as my grandma pointed out, it doesn’t bother anyone else but me.

waikiki

We all have different ticks that set us off.

But what’s the best method for getting back to cool after the ticking off?

See, I was next to this couple on the beach for over an hour and because they were talking and I was just lying there I totally eavesdropped on the conversation. It was then I noticed the mega-nega: don’t, not, never, no, can’t, won’t, etc. that highlighted their dialogue. Every sentence was rooted in failure, theirs or that of those around them.

I don’t want to be like them when I’m that age. I don’t want to be like them now.

What I feel I am neglecting is the power of language. I have to change the dialogue in my own head first. Perhaps when I do and I am a more positive person my unconscious mind will lead me to sit next to more goodygeegollywolly people instead of people who ran out of bologna and need to make a mad dash Walmart run in rush hour traffic.

For the rest of the trip I am going to work on being more conscious of my word choice and to just “be” wherever I am, to go with the flow, to hang loose.

I am going to laugh in the face of everything that annoys me, “oh, you thoughtless assholes amuse me with your super selfish selves.” “Oh, you can run backwards down diamond head trail with a bottle balanced on your head = talent.” “Oh, you want to wake up at 4:30 in the morning, holymoly alright! Let’s beat the sun!”

See, I’m a better person already.

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Chicago Guys: Get Your Game Together.

30 07 2012

Top 5 Game Fails

1.) So the first bar my friend and I go to in Lincoln Square is pretty dead. Mostly just old dudes drinking, watching the end of the opening ceremonies. We sit at a table. We play naked-man-match-game on the bar’s computer. We make comments about the countries walking around the track. One of my friends comments reaches the ears of a man, he turns and says something to us. We do the weird half smirk smile thing girls do when they’re trying to be polite but don’t really want anything to do with said guy. He comes over any way. He has no teeth. Okay, okay. He has a few teeth, towards the back of his mouth, but the one’s in the front are like not there at all, or they’re like small stubs where teeth used to be.

He looks like he’s 60 + but we discover he’s only 42.

Anyway, this old looking guy with no teeth says to my friend, “Oh, I got excited. You look like this other woman I know, but she has an adam’s apple.

Good game buddy, good game.

I didn’t hear this comment. I sent texts to people about this creeper at our table so creeper would realize that I was completely ignoring him and wanted him to not feel invited. I should have just told him to go away, but I knew it would come out super mean and then I’d feel like I needed to leave the bar. Should have done it anyway.

2.) We eventually do leave that bar (after I barely win competing in the longest game of darts ever). And we go to this much more packed establishment. There is no where to sit and not really anywhere to stand either. These dudes invite us to sit at their table. We agree because we’re kind of in the way and we don’t really have much choice. One guy originally appears cuter than the other guy, but then I notice his shifty jaw and his inability not to do impressions of annoying actors named Jerry: Seinfield, Springer etc.

They inform us almost immediately that they are libertarians. I don’t know exactly what my friend talked about with the Shifty-Jaw Guy, but the other one guy, we’ll call him “Old Wise One” talked my ear off, saying the most ridiculous shit about how we should live like we did in 1875 and every other stereotypical things libertarians are always saying.

Finally we leave and we’re standing outside the bar figuring out what to do next and “Old Wise One” runs to his apartment smokes a quick bong hit and runs back just to give us a copy of his terribly written political comic book. It is not funny in any way. Pretty sure he was high through all of it and has no idea what humor to non-stoned people actually reads like. Anyway. Some weird conversation between the two guys go down and “Old Wise One” tells us to email him our thoughts and he’ll catch us later. Shifty Jaw stays with us.

3.) While sitting at their table this random asian dude in an Ed-Hardy-esque shirt and slicked back hair comes up just to tell me that I am “incredibly sexy.” I should have just left to talk to him because I doubt HE was a libertarian.

4.)  My friend and I decide to walk to this other bar. The bar isn’t necessarily that close, but not that far away either. Shifty Jaw hails a cab for us anyway. We didn’t really care about the cab but we’re like, whatever. We get to the next bar and my friend takes out some money to split the cab with the guy. The guy makes her pay for the whole thing. WTF. We get into the bar. He orders a drink and then goes to the bathroom. I have to go to the bathroom too and my friend is just returning from it, so I say to her, “DO NOT pay for our drinks. He needs to pay since he bailed out on the cab.” She pays anyway. WTF.

Then, eventually, though he’s been talking to her all night, he comes up to me and says, “So, you want to come home with me tonight?”

What?

Seriously?

You’ve been a cheapskate, you’ve ignored me the entire time, you’ve made IMPRESSIONS all night and yet you think just by asking me I’m supposed to say yes? Fuck off dude.

I say, “Why would I do that when you’re obviously into my friend,” (amongst other issues).

He replies, “Well, she has a boyfriend.”

Ugh. Unbelievable.

“Well, No. Is the answer to your question. No. Now leave me alone.”

5.) I get away from Shifty Jaw and am picking out music on the jukebox. This bald guy comes over and he’s actually funny or I’m drunk, I don’t know it’s like 3 in the morning. Somehow I end up making out with him for like one minute. Maybe it’s because all the other guys have made such bad impressions (literally and otherwise). Either way. After that minute he says to me, “Wow. You’re a really good kisser.”

I look at him and say, “I know. You, not so much.”

I smile, like maybe I am joking, I, of course, am not joking. Not that he is “bad” but he is by far not “really good.”

Anyway, he still gets my number even though I tell him he’s never going to call me. And he never does.





Chi Town not Shy Town: Day 1 Recap.

27 07 2012

So, I’m in Chicago, Day 1 Done. I told everyone before I left Denver that I might not come back. And it’s not because I lllovveee Chicago so much, but that Denver is starting to just not do it for me. I feel like I’m on the periphery of some mega-drama there and at any moment I could get pulled all the way in. Since I left theater four + years ago I’ve been attempting to live a drama-free existence (minus my brief obsession with Gossip Girl). So yeah. Here I am in the big(er) city enjoying my blend-in with humanity. Being reacquainted with what I thought I missed I’ve realized some of those longings are no longer true–and some are just as strong.

Did I Miss ____ True or False.

The Train= True. 

It’s weird how I can get right back on public transportation and feel the same exact feelings of annoyance, dread, impatience, and joy as I get to my final destination. The red line hasn’t changed a bit. Still full of crazies and very very tense people. Take last night for example. We had to switch from the brown to the red for one stop. We get on the train and this woman in a wheel chair is trying to get off the train but no one will assist her. So she’s punching the handicap button over and over and yelling at people to hold the door for her (in a polite-type of yelling) and one heroic guy runs all the way down to the conductor just to tell him she needs help. It was a team effort for sure. Community building in the city.

Kit Kat Lounge= False. 

Umm. This used to be my favorite place to go, but I think in two years my palate has changed. I won’t blame it on the veganism but the martinis that I used to love now taste like I’m drinking a glass of fruit flavored sugar (which, technically, I am). I guess I’m more a beer girl now.

Downtown = True/False. 

We went to the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor of the Hancock Building. Spectacular view. I miss the architecture, the vibrance, the constant pulsations of a large city–all of that is true. I do not miss the tourists who have no concept of sidewalk walking. I will never ever ever miss that.

(Giant spiders attacking the city!) 

My Friends = True.

Geez. What kind of person do you think I am? I don’t call them “friends” for nothing. Sometimes I just want to take my favorite people and put us all on an island somewhere. . . but we’d probably all change and end up hating each other. Which is why we live and work and play where we do, because it makes us who we are and if we weren’t there we’d be different and we maybe wouldn’t like each other anymore. Or maybe certain people are just destined to enjoy each other’s company more than other peoples. Like there are certain people who, no matter when you meet them in your life, they will automatically connect with you and then there are others who you meet at a particular time in your life over particular circumstances–a class, a game, work etc. and though you don’t necessarily have that much in common something clicks and you end up being friends for life. Or at least friends for a long time.

These are all important friend concepts to ponder before I don’t go back to Denver.

(Okay, fine, I’ll go back, don’t cry Colorado.)

(liquid candy) 





5 Randoms: My Walk is as Cheap as my Heels.

25 07 2012

1) Along with my regular workout, which is basically just running around the park followed by some sit-ups and push-ups, I have now incorporated not only KEGEL BALLs to strength my PC muscles (more, stronger, better orgasms + no pee leaking in old age) I’ve also started wearing high heels for like 20 minutes every day. High heels are hard. Walking anywhere in them is my biggest issue considering I have one of the fastest walks on the planet and when I add heels it cuts my time in half. Sad. Why am I concerned with heels?

I’m not necessarily concerned with them. But sometimes my work sells them for really cheap and I feel compelled to buy them, but there really is no point on owning them if I’m not going to wear them.

I got these purple heels for under five dollars. Aren’t they cute?

2.) Not too many super weird things have happened at work lately. Though the other day this guy asked me if we sold the nuva-ring. There was a lesbian couple standing at the counter checking out and I sort of looked at them like, “is this guy serious?” then turned to him and said, “the nuva-ring, like the birth control device? Like the thing you wear for three weeks full of hormones that you need a prescription for?”

He was like, “uugghh yeah, I think that’s what it’s called.”

Do we look like Planned Parenthood? Do any of us look like medical professionals? No dude. No.

3) July has been a lot like Manless May without the catch phrase.

4) I leave for Chicago very early tomorrow morning. I’m mostly excited to see all my lovely Chicago friends + ride the el + dip in the lake + drink martinis at the kit kat + be in a city where not EVERYONE knows my name. Seriously, Denver, you’re too small.

5) Yes, people, I’m thinking about moving out of here; if you have any suggestions, I’m open.





The Big Heart Reveal.

11 06 2012

At 4:30 in the morning most roads are clear. When the sun rises and the light bounces off the mountains it’s hard to think of a better way to wake up.

The trip down was supposed to take 6.5 hours. I got there in 5.5. I swear I went nearly the speed limit the whole time.

It was good to trust my instincts and go. The drive itself was worth it more than anything. I needed to find out if this was about love or lust and proceed accordingly. Either way I felt fear. I was afraid that if it was love, my life was about to get incredibly difficult. I was afraid that if it was about lust I had just wasted a good amount of time, energy, and money to figure that out.

But nothing was wasted necessarily.

Of course, the outcome wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but more than anything it was what I needed.

I needed to realize that it would never work. That there were too many flaws in the whole idea.

Maybe I went there all along subconsciously knowing I was going to look for these flaws because I needed to get over it.

Maybe it was always the logical choice.

Because if I didn’t go I wouldn’t be able to move on.

And now I can. Even though it is still sad. Though, not entirely.

I’m more relieved than anything. No longer in the state of in-between.

Back to the game, but I’m not jumping in full-force. Re-focusing my energy of my self–my body and mind.

New plan:

Find a favorite yoga class to go to once a week–body.

Write at length every day–mind.

New rule:

Boys come last.

I’m obviously searching for connections with other humans; but I fear I’ve been wanting it too badly. Must give up and allow it just to be. To arrive organically. And if it never does I guess I’ll just Emily Dickinson-it the rest of my life.