10 Randoms: I Will Dildoddle Your Caboddle.

26 10 2012

1.) Things are breaking all around me. More importantly I am breaking things all around me. Mostly little things but some of those things are going to be quite a pain in the ass to replace, like the mega-lid that covered my mega-pan that I use to cook with all the time. Bummerville. I’m wondering if all this breaking is a sign that I need to re-focus, slow down, pay more attention to my surroundings, quit being such an anxiety-ridden quack. It’s hard to tell at this point, it could just be the alignment of the moon (I really need to quit blaming the alignment of the moon for things.)

2.) I bought my winter boyfriend yesterday. I’ve been eyeing him for months. He’s called Tiger  from the company Fun Factory.  Medical grade silicone. Rechargeable. 2 year-warranty. I think he’ll be my longest latest least stressful relationship. I should probably name him something other than Tiger. I’ll wait until we have a date or two before I decide on a proper one.

3. Speaking of toys. Since I have +10 now I’ve decided I need to invent a caboodle for toys, but of course I want to call it a dildoodle. Isn’t that kind of brilliant. DON’T STEAL MY IDEA OR I’LL MURDER YOU (you can guess how I’d do it too I’m sure.) So, it will be like a trunk or a chest, but it will have compartments in that are lined with material that doesn’t cause those little fabric stickys and is also waterproof. And duh, it will have a removable top shelf and the bottom will be vast so a person could put all their larger items (double dongs, whips, squirtsheets, etc.) in it. I should probably talk to the Liberator company about this. I really should not have made this idea public.

4.) I got a new haircut. The platinum is gone. Goodbye summer, hello winter. I think my roommate is the best stylist I’ve ever had. I’d recommend her to everyone, but she’s very selective and will only cut the coolest people’s hair.

5.) That song, “I will do anything for love,” is playing at the bookstore I’m at. I’ve never really understood this song. Because it’s so vague. WHAT WON’T HE DO?!! It’s so confusing. How could he say he’d do anything and then take it back? It’s like Rose from Titanic saying she will never let go and then she basically pushes Jack into the ocean to die.

6.) All of my Halloween plans have now fallen through. It sort of depresses me. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, but this year it’s been rather blah. I hope it changes. I have a panda to dress up as (And Mia Wallace and Jane from Daria and maybe a Juggalette and who knows what else!)

7.) Why would any woman want to be a Juggalette? In real life. During dress-up time I can understand. But I cannot understand it in reality.

8.) Sometimes when I’m not at work but I’m close to a door and I see someone youngish walk in I wonder, “why is no one id-ing them!” then I realize that most places are not 18+ older. It’s awkward because I always look at them funny.

9.) I’m meeting another vegan in like 20 minutes. Let’s hope it’s not like the last vegan I met who was hung-over and insisted on talking about sports almost the entire time even though I specifically said at the beginning of our conversation that I hated sports and didn’t want to talk about them. The only good thing I found in that is the fact that the vegan community is now becoming quite diverse. It used to be when someone said they were vegan and you were vegan you’d have more in common than just that—now that’s not necessarily true.

10.) Sometimes bookstores can be overwhelming because I realize how many other people write books, how many books I have not read and how many books of mine are not on the shelf. But, one day, one day there will be at least one of mine in here. At least one.

Throwing in the Love Towel.

10 08 2012

Yesterday I had what I’d like to call a “Rage Against the Machine Day” because I literally wanted to rage against the jackhammer that started chopping up asphalt at 8 in the morning and didn’t stop until 4. . . when I had to go to work. Not everyone has an 8 to 5 schedule. There are some of us who actually work the opposite of that. And this world is obviously not designed for our convenience, which is probably while most of us drink excessively and hate everything.

Speaking of hating everything–that happened again too.

It wasn’t a feeling of being tired, being tired I could handle (and do on a regular basis). It was a feeling of being fucked. No, not fucking, or fucked over or fucked up. Fucked. I thought maybe I had done something really shitty and the world was trying to balance it out, yet I have no idea what that would have been, so the whole karma belief dissipated and I realized that sometimes existing is just rough.

It was a day in which I questioned everything I believe in and started to believe in nothing. . . no, I didn’t even believe in nothing. I had no beliefs. I gave up on all the abstracts we cling to, love, loyalty, honesty, happiness. And instead I just glared at people. Wondering how they continued to move through the world every day in a seemingly content sort of way; wondering how I move through the world every day without completely destructing.

And it hasn’t gone way entirely yet either. I’m still in that thought-mode.

Even concepts that I’ve believed in for so long I’ve given up on, veganism, feminism, etc. It’s not like I’m going to go out and kill a cow or try to outlaw abortion–I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care enough to stop being vegan or to stop being a feminist, but I’m not going to put any effort into them, whatever that means.

It comes down to my whole issue with giving up on love. The big one. The abstractest abstract concept of them all. I think I’m mourning over the loss.

Okay, giving up on love is pretty vague. Here’s more of what I mean. When I think about what I need from people and what I can give, it doesn’t match up. It’s not fair to get involved with people when I’m such a mess. It’s not healthy for them or for me. When I sit here and imagine my future, there is no one I can vision getting me or even wanting to.

Maybe that’s the even bigger issue, I can’t see anyone wanting to, and that’s okay. Yeah, I’m a little sad about it, but I also want to be realistic about my existence. Why chase something that will never be?

I need accept it.

Just like my schedule doesn’t align well with jackhammers neither does my love align well with, well, anything.

5 Randoms: Dirty Dirty Men, Mostly.

18 05 2012

1. You know when different power cords all get tangled up together, like your i-pod and its headphones or your phone charger tries to make love to your computer charger and minute upon minute is spent getting them to stop being such a mess? That’s how I feel my mornings sometime start. Like If I can untangle one knot–waking up–from another knot–turning my frown upside down–my day will end up being good, but if I’m walking around all twisted, thoughts intertwined, I just won’t play right.

2. Yesterday I went for a run after work. Usually I run all through Cheesman Park; I  walk for like 5 minutes then I run all the way back home. (It’s really not that much running, but at least it’s something.) Anyway, while I was on the “walking” part of my excursion I passed two men sitting on a bench. These men had an unrecogniable age, because they had obviously done drugs for so long it was hard to tell if they were like 20, 60, 40 years old. Either way they were looking right at me, I didn’t want to be a complete asshole so I said hello. This is what followed:

“Daaammnn you sure are gorgeous.”

“I don’t feel very gorgeous right now.” (Because you know I had just ran like 2 miles in the heat and was all red and blotchy and tired and such.)

“Well, you are. I hope you tell your boyfriend how lucky he is. . . . And if you don’t have a boyfriend you should give me your number. . . .”

At this point I am pretty far away from them. And I just laugh it off.


And Ok Cupid came to life.

I wonder if he knows women get paid to actually do that? I mean, I don’t get paid to actually do that, but some women do. . .

3. Since moving to Denver I have essentially lost my vegan community. This makes me sad. It was nice having support, knowing that other people shared similar perspectives when it comes to what they put in their bodies. I know they’re not that far away, I just never see them anymore. And I miss them. I also miss feeling a part of something. And having back-up when others try to put me in the defense. I will not play that game. You eat what you want, I’ll eat what I want, let it be.

4. This particularly old man was in the store yesterday going through the porn. I love it when people get phone calls and they act as if they’re not actually in our store. He did this. And proceeded to talk about his dog, and not just his dog, but his dog’s poop. THEN after like 45 minutes of him going through ALL the porn in our store, he brings the ones he finally chose up the counter. As I’m ringing him out he says to me:

“I bought a video from here and didn’t really care for it. It’s been more than 30 days, can I bring it back or am I just fucked.”

Do you remember the part where he’s old? Like 80.

The whole scenario felt really absurd to me.

No, old man, just because you didn’t care for a porn you bought 2 months ago from us that you picked out from the $10 bin does not mean you can return it. Whether or not you’re fucked though, that’s up to you.

I didn’t say that.

I did say, “No, you cannot return it. But you can give it to a friend, if you don’t care for it. Maybe he will.”

He looked at me like I was crazy.

5. In my newsfeed this article came up (that was kind of old), 5 Reasons Being Single Sucks More Than You Thought.

The arguments made sense. BUT, it was based entirely around money. Like the main reasons being single sucks more than being married all have to do with capitalism. Which I find to be complete bullshit. So, if you’re single, you have to work more, you get paid less and you have to spend more money on trips, taxes, etc. Well, isn’t that the system’s fault, not marriage itself? Shouldn’t we work on changing those policies instead of just having more people get married to save money? Is it worth saving money to be monogamous with someone who is just “okay” for the rest of your life? Seems pretty ridiculous to me.

I think being single is fantastic. And what people do in their personal lives–married or single shouldn’t have that much pull in the work place. Because it really isn’t the company’s business how we spend our time or who we spend it with, as long as we get the job done satisfactorily.

I don’t even remember everything I wrote in this article, it being over a year old, but I’m sure my feelings are close to the same. Here are my Top 5 Reasons Not to Get Married.