10 Randoms: Travel Thoughts on Pickles and Dickles and People with Weird Haircuts.

4 02 2013

Holy wow it’s been awhile!


I am at the LA airport. All by myself. So I thought, why not, while I wait. I’ll just write a quick little blog. I thought the LA airport was supposed to be really weird, like full of really strange people, but it seems to have the same amount of weird as every other airport. It’s always the business people. The business people being all busy and businessy; whatever they have to do is way more important than whatever everyone else has to do, which is usually nothing, because they’re traveling for non-businessy things. So, I guess that makes sense. And I just have to put up with the fact that they’re having loud important businessy phone calls next to me. Perhaps if I pretend to be busy as well, by writing this blog and typing hurriedly while I suck down this coffee I will be able to, by proxy, join the weird businessy club. Probably not. I’m not wearing a suit.


Two little old ladies in front of me on the plane.

1: Is your jacket warm enough? Is it lined?

2: Oh, yes it’s lined.

1: So you can take the liner out if it gets too warm?

2: Oh, yes it’s really nice. And it washes very nicely.

1: Oh does it?

2: Yes, it’s what I always wear when I travel.

1: Oh yes, I remember it.

2: Like when I went to New Zealand in April but it was their fall because they’re backwards to us. It worked well there because you never know about the weather.

1: True. Truuueee. You never do know about the weather.


Sometimes I forget about Palm Trees. Having rarely ever experienced Palm Trees when I see them I think, “oh yes, palm trees.”


Other times I notice people looking at me trying to figure out if my glasses have lenses in them. Yes, people, my glasses have lenses, what they don’t have is glare. Because who likes glare? So, sometimes it appears, when they are clean enough, that a person could just stick his or her finger right through the frame, but one cannot in reality do that, because there are indeed lenses there with an actual prescription. I do, and I do not lie, need them to see. I am not that hip.


I have had, on occasion, men claim that the reason I cannot reach orgasm with them is due to the fact that my vibrators have desensitize me. I’d just like to state for a moment, as a sex educator, that this is not and cannot be true. The reason I am not having an orgasm is because maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I want to make them work for it. Whereas a vibrator has no opinion in the matter. And because it has no opinion I can just let it do its job. Because it is a job for the vibrator whereas with another person it is actually supposed to be pleasurable. It is supposed to be fun. But if they’re pressuring me to climax it’s going to take A LOT longer for me to do it; I don’t like to be told what to do.


Suggestion while sexing: people, just say, “I don’t care if you come or not I’m just going to do this until I get lockjaw.” And then just do it until you get lockjaw, like you promised.


Sometimes I think they only things that keep me from jumping off a tall building are really good writers and tater tots. I am not a really good writer, but perhaps one day after reading all the really good ones I can become okay. And that would be better for the world, or at least for me, than jumping off a tall building. What a mess!


I’ve realized that one thing good writers have is the ability to capture the mundane thoughts “characters” have in a way that actually fully develops them into people. People that we can relate to and not relate to. And I’ve realized that I can use my super judgmental side to my advantage—I just have to take it further than I ever have before—I have to do an external judgment of who I think they are, but then analyze their motivations for decisions, which is turn will help me figure out what they think. And when I know what they think and why they think it then I can figure out how to take them, the character people, and put a few of them together into situations and make what they call stories.


I’ve  have also realized I am one of the only people in the world who looks at other people and pictures what they were like when they were kids or what they be like when they’re old. Or both. Like, what did their parents thought of them? What moment did they make another person so proud? What were their faces like when they opened their birthday present in 2nd grade? Will they have a cane or one of those walkers with tennis balls on the legs? Will they become curmudgeons? Will they dye their hair and get botox or will they accept their fate as aging old farts and let their wrinkles spread deeper and darker across their faces?


This guy next to me has all these receipts spread all over the table. One of them is for a place called Mr. Pickle. There are so many opportunities here. I can’t even begin with the joking. I cannot even start. I just hope that one day I’ll have a Mr. Pickle of my own.


9 Randoms: Where the Skin Meets the Paddle.

20 09 2012

1. Sometimes I feel like I need to be the center of attention and sometimes I feel like I need to be left completely alone; it becomes a problem when I can’t figure out which one it is I need at the time.

2. I’ve been single for basically a year now. Let’s do a quick recap—moved out of one Boulder apartment into a Boulder house with my now ex boss who kicked me out two months later because she fell in love with someone from ok cupid after a week of dating; a guy who would later ask me on that same dating site to pay me $500 to play with my feet. With the loss of housing I also lost my job. I moved to Denver, where I started working at a sex toy store and somewhere, either before or after that became somewhat of a slut (I’ll spare you the number). And now, now, I’m still at the store but am definitely not being slutty enough; contemplating my next move (either literally or professionally or both).

3.) I went to my first BDSM dungeon the other night. I just observed everything, but let’s face it, it is about time someone starts beating me up.

4.) On that same subject-ish. I’ve realized I have a very hard time belonging to “a community,” be it movements I actually believe in, feminism, veganism, etc. or things I want to do with my life like writing, music etc. I can do my part to get along with everyone in the group–to fit in–so to speak, but I never feel like I should be there. Or I never feel like it matters if I am there or not. I’m an outsider “just observing.” I’ve come to the conclusion that it is because I am a writer. I never take anything in too deep because deep down I am trained to critically analyze everything, to understand all sides, to watch and pay attention to the details only to note them so everyone else can understand it (whatever “it” is) better.

5.) I have moments where it takes me a good length of time to figure out what day it is.

6.) I woke up this morning remembered where my life is headed and decided it’s probably time for me to seriously start seeing a professional. People have been telling me for years to do it, but I’ve been way too stubborn, thinking it would ruin my writing and make me one of those happy chipper people I can’t stand being around.

7.) Today I begin writing episode 2 of the television series I am developing. It’s prime-time for this, though considering it is “graphic” and “phallic” in nature it probably could never be on prime time.

8.) I sell vibrators wherever I go; I mean I go to bars and convince people to come into the store and buy one. I am the worst pimp ever. Buy this great expensive toy and NEVER come back. Yay one percent commission!

9.) Where do the days go?

5 Randoms: Mostly About Vibrators.

2 05 2012

1.) I accidentally bought decaf coffee from the store. Perhaps if I had had coffee prior to buying it I would have noticed. I finally found my stash of emergency coffee in the cupboard, it’s pretty late to be drinking coffee, but I’m going to do it anyway!!! Yeah for being sleepy all day but awake all night.

2.)  I’m thinking about what I want to write next. My roommate told me I should write about my year of dates. I’m thinking about doing that but turning it into erotic fiction instead, so I’ll use my dates as a base but then elaborate them and make them better than they really were. The next 50 Shades. . .  but better.

3.) I want to do something grand. Or maybe something just great. Like go on a vacation somewhere I’ve never been. Or write a story that actually gets published.  A minor success would be a major achievement in my book. I think I just need to read more until I can figure it all out.

4.) I wish people would stop buying jelly vibrators. STOP BUYING JELLY!!! Don’t put toxins inside your body when you don’t have to. *sigh*

5.) Man-less May starts today. Who’s excited about this? No one? No one. Exactly.

10 Random Thoughts: I am a Lizard.

22 03 2012

1. I thought that I would hate working in retail, but here’s the kicker, I don’t. Probably because I’m selling sex toys which just creates a weird environment within itself. It feels very Empire Records to me, though I don’t know what character I would be…probably the bitchy one with the shaved head NOT Liv Tyler or Sexy Rexy. Now I want to watch that movie again.

2. I’m going to Boulder this afternoon to go on a hike. I’m sort of hoping for a revelation but if I just get a good workout that’s will suffice.

3. It’s so dry here and my allergies have been crazy lately that I just look like I’m stoned all of the time. I am not stoned all of the time.

4. FYI Sour Patch Bunnies look EXACTLY like Sour Patch Kids.

5. I just started yelling out my window at runners; this is probably not a good habit to get into.

6. I finished the book Cloud Atlas a few days ago. It’s SO good. You have to get past the first section for it all to start making sense. My good friend Lizz suggested it–she obviously has good taste.

7. I think I found the one. Her name is Claudia. She is quiet yet very powerful. She can go for hours. Claudia keeps all my secrets and never gets into arguments with me. The only problem with Claudia is that she cost $145 and that’s like a billion hours of work to afford her. I may have to step next door to Shot Gun Willies and become a “cocktail” waitress. Vrrrroooomm!

(this is the jimmyjane form two…in case anyone else wants one too)

8. I’ve been wondering if “splash proof” is code for “squirt proof” but I haven’t asked anyone.

9. I just saw a woman hopscotch down the sidewalk. I love it when old people step out of “adulthood” for a moment. I’m glad I’m not the only big grrrl who does that.

10. I want a new album to obsess over. I love EMA. I love MIA. Robyn. Fiona. Missy. But I need something else to play on repeat over and over. Any suggestions?